Vinegar and Brown Paper

I’ve been reading the mail order ads in the Daily Mail. You know, the usual stuff, stairlifts, bathlifts, comfy chairs, knee supports, “No Callers” stickers, man-traps, the usual stuff required by Mail readers. Then I struck upon this one — “Vinegar – Nature’s Secret Weapon.”

I hadn’t realised that vinegar is such a marvel, or how I’d survived so long without buying the £9.95 book that could change my life. From the exhaustive list, that little bottle we keep in the kitchen cupboard can:

  • Lift painful corns and calluses
  • Disinfect almost anything – it’s used in may (sic) hospitals
  • Stop toothache by relieving pain naturally
  • Try this vinegar cure for hiccoughs
  • Remove perspiration and deodorant stains
  • Rejuvenate old saucepans
  • A refreshing bath tonic
  • Fade scars, freckles and age spots
  • Make your cutlery sparkle
  • Ironing is made easy with vinegar
  • Nervous — try the vinegar trick
  • Shrink varicose veins
  • Remove carpet and rust stains
  • Need to lose weight? Here’s a tasty brew that will help
  • Unblock drains

The last is a tad worrying. But they forgot the obvious one — “As used by nuclear scientists everywhere. On their fission chips.” Boom, boom!

Nobody’s prefect. If you find any spelling mistakes or other errors in this post, please let me know by highlighting the text and pressing Ctrl+Enter.

11 comments… Add yours
  • Mosher 11th July 2005

    Start running. Now.

    Reply
  • Laura 12th July 2005

    Was that last one "unblock drains" or was that "Need to lose weight? Here's a tasty brew that will help Unblock drains"???

    Reply
  • Mike 12th July 2005

    Well vinegar is acidic. So the unblock drains comes as no surprise. Nor do the comments about various stain removal properties.

    As far as curing hiccoughs goes, you don't need vinegar, you just need a glass of water and a friend willing to block both of your ears with their fingers.

    Reply
  • Shooting Parrots 12th July 2005

    Puff, pant! Just stopped running. Where's that Mosher?

    The last one was definitely the 'unblock drains.' Anything that does that sounds like a rather powerful emetic.

    As for Mike's cure for hiccoughs, you're spot on. This is one used in the Parrot household for many years, although we do it the other way round — sufferers fingers in the ears with someone else holding the glass to sip from, slow but continuous slurping being the key.

    You can do it on your own though. Stick glas of water between two sofa cussions, the main ones you sit on, not the ones that make it look pretty and get in the way.

    Kneel before sofa, insert fingers in ears and start sipping, tipping glass with pressure from your lips as you go.

    Why does that sound vaguely erotic?

    Reply
  • Laura 12th July 2005

    Actually a spoonful of peanut butter works on hiccups too. It has to be the creamy kind tho, because you just kinda swallow it and not eat it.

    Reply
  • Jennyta 12th July 2005

    I'm interested in the losing weight one. I'll go halves on the book with you. 😉

    Reply
  • Mosher 13th July 2005

    Behind you!

    *slap*

    That's for the crap joke 😛

    Reply
  • Shooting Parrots 13th July 2005

    "Ow-er!" as the lesser Parrots would have it after a playful slap.

    Yes, it was a crap joke, but that's the point. So here goes:

    "Why couldn't Tarzan find a cure for his headache? Because the Parrots eat 'em all!"

    Geddit? Paracetemol? Sheesh. Hands raised in surrender ;o

    Reply
  • Mosher 14th July 2005

    Sorry fella, but jokes like that are in breach of the Geneva Convention. So I have no other option than to return the favour and pack you off to Guantanamo Bay…

    Reply
  • Shooting Parrots 14th July 2005

    You will never break us, Mosh, not even with the orange pyjamas. We fight back.

    A banana goes to the doctor. "What's the matter?"

    "I'm not peeling very well."

    Ha! Decadent infidel, believer in democracy, see how you cringe in fear. Now I unleash my terror weapon:

    When is a door not a door? When it's ajar!

    Your belief-system crumbles.

    Reply
  • Mosher 14th July 2005

    I am going to play Britney Spears at you. Very very very loudly. And hide in a lead-lined soundproofed bunker. Wearing earplugs.

    Reply

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