Polly Plagiarist

Shamelessly borrowed from The Gray Monk, here are what are supposedly genuine medical notes from Mpumalanga Hospital in South Africa.

  1. The patient refused autopsy.
  2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
  4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
  8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
  11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  13. She is numb from her toes down.
  14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  15. The skin was moist and dry.
  16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
  17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
  19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
  25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
  27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Nobody’s prefect. If you find any spelling mistakes or other errors in this post, please let me know by highlighting the text and pressing Ctrl+Enter.

2 comments… Add yours
  • Son of Groucho 27th August 2005

    Being in the business myself, I love these!

    I particularly empathise with number 11 since "mentally alert but forgetful" describes me exactly.

    Number 18 brings tears to my eyes, and probably did the same for the patient.

    As for number 27….

    Reply
  • Shooting Parrots 28th August 2005

    I more a No 17 myself — "alert and unresponsive."

    Reply

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