Fantasy Football

I don’t know if you read the late Jack Pulman‘s Private Schultz, or saw the tv series, the story of a hapless German conman who had, by his own admission, an inbuilt stumble because he always fell just before the finishing line.

I’ve only just had the heart to post about this, but do you think that the England team have the same problem? Having been handed not one, but two miracles, it took something special to throw it all away against Croatia. Mind you, it seems that the sign was there that it was going to be one almighty cock-up.

Since Macca got the sack, managers have been queuing up to say they don’t want the job. Martin O’Neill, Jose Mourinho, Sam Allardyce, Mark Hughes, the list goes on. And you can’t blame them. It must be the most impossible job in football. To paraphrase Enoch Powell, “all England managerial lives end in failure.”

We’re going to have to think laterally here. If no one individual is going to step forward because the rest of us will ultimately crucify them via the media why not turn it around like they’ve done at Ebbsfleet? We could all be the manager! Here’s how it would work: All us England fans would stump up a joining fee to show that we’re serious about becoming managers in common, all proceeds to charity. Everything would be done online and we would have access to:

  1. All the media pundits who would spout on about team selection, formation etc.
  2. A bunch of scouts who would watch all the Premiership games and advise on who was hot and who was not.
  3. Psychotherapists, psychologists etc to tell us who was up for it and who wasn’t.
  4. Astrologers, numerologists and feng shui consultants to tell which player’s star was in the ascendancy, the luckiest combination of shirt a team formation numbers and how to arrange the furniture before watching the match.
  5. Jeremy Clarkson on which luxury sports car is least likely to cause England players metatarsal damage.

Then we’d all vote on formation, tactics, team selection etc and the majority rules. It would be the ultimate fantasy football.

But I can hear you saying, “There’s a flaw in this idea SP. Who is going to do the actual managing. The team preparation, the shouting and arm-waving in the technical area, the half-time team talks, the fist punching when we score, the berating the fourth official when it’s ruled offside and the post-match over the moon/sick as a parrot interviews?

Well I’ve thought of that. I did toy with idea of having a lottery to select one of the managers in common to do the job, but I don’t think that would work. Don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t fancy risking getting chinned by John Terry when giving him the hair dryer treatment, or telling Rooney he was being subbed.

So here’s the alternative — tje celebrity manager. We online pundits would also be able to choose a Premiership or Championship manager to take charge game by game. So if we wanted a team with flair and pace, we might go for Ferguson or Wenger; if solid defence, then Mark Hughes; if a combination to grind out results, then Harry Redknapp; or lumping it up the park for Peter Crouch, well that would be Big Sam’s territory.

The beauty is that we’d get the footie we deserve. And if and when it goes tits up, we’d have no-one to blame but ourselves. (Okay the minority who voted for 442 could go nah-na-na-nah-nah to the majority who went for 3511, but there wouldn’t be a collective photo on the back pages of the “wallies with the brollies“.

And the FA wouldn’t have to pay of the latest failed manager £2.5 million to bugger off.

I really think I’m on to something here, so much so that I’m going to add this — © — before Brian Barwick tries to nick the idea. It’s no more ludicrous than any of his.

Nobody’s prefect. If you find any spelling mistakes or other errors in this post, please let me know by highlighting the text and pressing Ctrl+Enter.

2 comments… Add yours
  • Yorkshire Pudding 24th November 2007

    I must say Mr P, I am very persuaded by your idea. Who the hell is there out there who could otherwise lead England on to a better future? Of course there’s Phil Brown of Hull City but we plan to keep him for a while longer. Sorry England! And they were bloody sory on Wednesday night!

    Reply
  • Yorkshire Pudding 24th November 2007

    sory=sorry (deliberate mistake!)

    Reply

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