Shooting Parrots 2010 World Cup Awards

Lookalike Award
Raymond Domenech and Paul O’Grady for the second World Cup in succession. Runners-up, Diego Maradonna and Saddam Hussein and Fabio Capello and Tommy Cooper.

Lost in Translation Award
David Pleat for “For sure, Italy can say… au revoir,” commentating on the Slovakia game.

Clive Tyledesley Award for Most Irritating Commentary
Clive Tyldesley for “Brazil score a British goal!” when central defender, Juan, dares to score with a header from a Maicon corner against Chile. And for Clive just being in South Africa really.

Best Dressed Fan Award
The Black Stars fan [right]. See full list of runners and riders.

No Show Award
Wayne Rooney, Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, France and Italy.

Crap Design Award
England car flags that fly off the moment you wind the window down. The Uruguay flags didn’t do that in the live shots from Montevideo when fans celebrated their win against Ghana.

Incongruous Nickname Award
Argentinian-born coach Marcello ‘El Loco’ Bielsa, a quiet man obsessed by tactics who prepares by studying his mountainous collection of match videos; a disciplinarian, professorial in manner and fastidious in his pre-match planning. Apparently these traits mark you down as clinically insane in Chile.

Best Rant Award
Chris Waddle for his “FA sit on their backsides” tirade on FiveLive after the defeat against Germany.

Gob of the Tournament Award
Cristiano Ronaldo at a cameraman after defeat by Spain.

Grumpy Old Gits Award
Awarded jointly to the All England Lawn Tennis & Croquet Club and Seb Coe for banning the vuvuzela at Wimbledon and London 2012 respectively. They would have cheered up a bloody dull fortnight at SE19 and I can’t see Morris Men’s bells catching on at the Olympics. Highly commended: Cardiff.

Sepp Blatter Vindication Award
Proof that Frank Lampard’s shot did not cross the line.

Referees’ Friend Award
Mark van Bommel who committed at least 12 bookable fouls (some say 15) in six group and knockout games without censure before finally receiving a yellow in added-time in the semi-final against Uruguay. And that for his premature celebration when he thought the final whistle had blown. Presumably his orange shirt, being a combination of yellow and red, confused the officials.

Best National Anthem
Paraguay for the false ending after 53 seconds when everybody sits down and has to jump up again. Highly commended: Mexico for stirringness and Ghana for cuteness.

It Wasn’t Always Thus Award
The England team [right] adopt German tactics at the 1938 World Cup. The 4-4-2 system worked well in North Africa in 1942, with two tanks up front [Rooney and Heskey], but looked tired and predictable in South Africa 2010.

Specialist Subject — the Bleedin’ Obvious Award
Prof Peter J Beck, author of Scoring For Britain: International Football and International Politics: “Whenever England and Germany meet in sporting clashes, it’s built up as a re-enactment of the world wars – mixed in with a replay of the 1966 World Cup final.”

President for Life Award
A tie between Kim Il-Sung [North Korea], Goodluck Jonathan [Nigeria], Fabio Capello [England] and, of course, Sepp Blatter [Master of the Universe].

Best Newspaper Headline
South Africa Mail and Guardian for “Fick Fufa” and the Cape Town-based artist who produced the t-shirts with the same motif, but refused to be identified for fear of reprisals by Sepp Blatter’s honour guard.

Self-preservation Award
Coach, Kim Jong-Hun, who refused to answer any journalists’ questions that referred to his country as North Korea suggesting that there is more than one. The Korea to the south doesn’t exist of course, at least not if Kim Il-Sung has his way.

Hack of the Tournament
Martin ‘Jabba the Hutt’ Samuel of the Daily Mail who damaged his hand [we're left to wonder how] and can’t type. Media Monkey said: “… fortunately his paymasters at Associated have come up with a solution. They’ve flown out his wife to do his typing for him. Isnt’ that nice?”

Astute Punditry Award
No contest. Paul the Octopus who consistently got the Germany games right, including the losses against Serbia and Spain. We’ve yet to see if Germany and Spain win this weekend.

Save of the Tournament
Luis ‘La Mano de Diablo‘ Suarez. And a plague on the houses of the ‘experts’ who excused it by saying: “He couldn’t help it. It was instinctive.”

Putting the Mockers On It Award
The Curse of Nike and their Write the Future campaign. Drogba, Cannarvaro, Rooney, Ribéry, Ronaldo and Ronaldhino who didn’t even get picked. Just don’t do it.

[Note that they don't use the Jubulani ball. Also Roger Federer's table tennis cameo jinxed him at Wimbledon. Not sure what it will do for the career of Gael García Bernal.]

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