Today is a day for looking forward, facing the future with hope and a glad heart, but will 2011 be a year of good or ill fortune? Here is a selection of uncannily accurate predictions from Old Parrot’s Almanack.
The Royal Family: There will be a great celebration involving royalty at the end of April or the beginning of May, although it will seem to last much longer because of the endless stream of tv specials and newspaper pull-out supplements marking the event throughout the year.
It will be a great reminder of the egalitarian nature of modern society.
Sport: A Premiership team beginning with the letter W will be relegated to the Championship and a high profile manager will be given a vote of confidence shortly before being sacked. England will retain the Ashes.
Entertainment: A new star will enter our lives through the medium of a tv talent show. Their popularity will reach its peak in December before fading into obscurity and the northern club circuit the week after Christmas. Jools Holland will host a star-studded show on BBC2 on New Year’s Eve.
The High Street: DFS will hold an amazing sofa sale which must end Monday. Matalan and Lidl replace M&S and Tesco as the nation’s favourite stores.
Media: The Daily Mail will accuse the BBC of liberal bias. It will also break the news of a new health scare that threatens to destroy all life on earth, bring down house prices and put a dampener on the royal wedding celebrations. This claim will prove to be exaggerated.
Politics: The LibDem wing of the coalition will abandon certain fundamental principles and support Conservative policies citing the need for ‘responsible government’. MPs will demonstrate their ‘we’re all in this together’ policy by raising the price of whisky in the Strangers’ Bar to 25p a nip and reducing their attendances to save on petrol.
The Economy: We will abandon the pound in favour of a new standard unit of currency, The Premiership. This follows the discovery that the entire economy is dependent on the spending power of top-flight football players and that far from being a bunch of talentless mercenaries, they are in fact the mainstay of George Osborne’s ‘economic miracle’. Rupert Murdoch’s share of GDP falls to just 56.7%.
These and other revelations can be found in Old Parrot’s Almanack, available from all good online stores for £9.99, as I so accurately predicted last year.