It is true. The sun might be shining, the birds might be trilling and the world may be made of roses and rainbows, then along comes the Daily Mail.
Take today, for example; “Exclusive: My cancer battle by Mary Archer” on the front page (see pages 4&5). A ‘frank and courageous interview’ revealing her battle with bladder cancer.
I have nothing but admiration for Mary — the woman is a saint in my eyes, living with lowlife liar Jeffrey for so long — but I’m not sure what the interview was meant to achieve.
Something along the lines of; ‘If it could happen to me, it could happen to you’? Except it probably doesn’t since the typical bladder cancer patient is male, not female.
Next up; ‘How our not-so-better halves leave us with their bad habits’.
Research by Professor Corinne Reczek of the University of Cincinnati shows that being a couple is bad for us because we adopt our partner’s unhealthy habits. More to the point, it’s men who are almost always identified as the bad influence.
I wondered how long it would be until it was my fault. Just six paragraphs in this instance.
The Prof got round the gay and lesbian dilemma by saying that the ‘vices of both partners were simultaneously promoted’. Whatver that means.
There was the obligatory swipe at Sally Bercow for being in the Big Brother House which lowers the tone of parliament worse than, say, MPs fiddling their expenses or being Liberal Democrats.
We’re into the hardcore next; ‘For years, decent Britons have despaired of our soft-touch courts. But after seeing justice dispensed to a parade of rioters and looters ROBERT HARDMAN says thugs are at last learning to fear the law.’
‘Hardman’ Robert’s account of the trial of Victoria (name witheld for legal reasons) is hardly on a par with a hanging recounted by Dickens, though you you sense that he hopes it might:
‘You don’t have to be a bleeding heart liberal to feel a certain pity and compassion for such a hopeless woman in such a dismal situation.
‘But if she is expecting the usual dollop of liberal understanding from the beak, then she is in for a shock.’
(Sound of trapdoor opening, gasp of crowd, snap of neck.)
And so it goes on:
- Sacked dwarf wins £45,000 from Starbucks
- Depression danger of super mums
- Million drivers facen losing licence under EU diabetes diktat
- Argos fires father over Facebook jibe (He was ‘fighting cancer’ too)
- Social workers who STILL won’t say sorry
- Pregnant women hit by return of rickets
- Tug of love sausage dog to stay with new owners
- Woman bit cabin crew after waiting 30 hours
But at least the Daily Mail gives me something to write about on on a brain-dead day.
And reminds me of these famous last words: ‘Farewell my friends. I go to glory.’
The clue is: a scarf.