If I Ruled the World

Pre-loved Footwear

There are all sorts of royal secrets leaking out in jubilee year, such as the fact that HMQ doesn’t leak much at all for a posh lass, or seeing her knickers up for sale on e-Bay.

But the one that I liked the sound of was the queen having some flunky to break in her shoes so they’re all soft and comfy. How about that for royal prerogative?

Radio Five Live listeners had a bit of fun this morning by sending in the things they would have a flunky do on their behalf and I thought I’d join in by publishing my list.

For a start I’d have my personal flunky open those plastic sandwich boxes when I was driving. It’s virtually impossible to do yourself without getting bits of salad or mayo all over your lap.

And speaking of opening things, I definitely have a ‘Royal Opener of Rigid Plastic Packaged Products’, the sort that you need to take a pair of scissors to and end up getting covered in blood from fingers lacerated by the serrated edges.

For the sake of my health, I’d also have my flunky shout at the radio during PMQs and whenever else a politician said something particularly fatuous, which is often. That would certainly help keep a lid on my blood pressure.

By the same token, I’d also have him or her watch Britain’s Got Talent, X Factor, any England football match and the Go Compare adverts on my behalf.

I would also arm the flunky with a brush, a pot of paint and a stepladder to add or delete any errant apostrophes on any public signage that gets my goat. This would also be useful to paint out yellow lines on the road when I want to park the car.

I could go on (Mrs P says I usually do) so what would you have a personal flunky do on your behalf?

Nobody’s prefect. If you find any spelling mistakes or other errors in this post, please let me know by highlighting the text and pressing Ctrl+Enter.

1 comment… Add yours
  • Roger Green 24th May 2012

    hand-hold me through instuction every electronics item I’ve ever had

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