Before I go any further, I should say that I have very little interest in golf. I’ve never felt the faintest inclination to chase a little white ball round a country park for the dubious satisfaction of knocking it into a tiny hole in the ground.
For starters, golf appears to be an incredibly frustrating form of relaxation, not to mention the expense involved in buying clubs and finding a club that might accept me as a member.
Then there’s Donald Trump and his ripping off people in his bid to turn the entire world into one giant golf course which is good a reason as any to avoid the game.
But I have to confess that my interest is piqued whenever The Ryder Cup comes around and I will be watching this weekend as avidly as any golfing nut.
For a start, The Ryder Cup is different from the usual competition because it’s a team game, rather than one for individual players, and team games appeal to me more. If I’m honest though, the real reason, it is an opportunity for partisanship of supporting Europe as we stick it to the Americans. (I wonder if the Brexiteers ever considered that the UK could be barred from the competition once we invoke article 50? But I digress.)
The behaviour of both sets of fans has become pretty raucous, certainly since the ‘Battle of Brookline’ in 1999, which Alistair Cooke described as ‘a date that will live in infamy – the arrival of the golf hooligan’. And that is what golf needs most – more hooligans, and Colin Montgomerie fears that we might see a repeat of Brookline at Hazeltine.
The atmosphere will not have been helped by the article by Peter Willets, brother of Danny, who has some rather strong views about the US golfing groupies which are bound to inflame passions. So in the interest of demolishing US/European relations, at least for a few days, below is a recording of part of his piece from Radio Five with the words below that. Have fun.
Team USA have only won five of the last 16 Ryder Cups. Four of those five victories have come on home soil. For the Americans to stand a chance of winning, they need their baying mob of imbeciles to caress their egos every step of the way. Team Europe needs to shut those groupies up.
They need to silence the pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants, stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red.
They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm, desperately gripping their concealed-carry compensators and belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato,’ hoping to impress their cousin.
They need to smash the obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated ex-wives, and resentful children. Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes, they’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society.
Team Europe need to silence these cretins quickly.
If these things happen, Europe will win, and I’ll try to support gracefully by embracing the same sense of fair-mindedness that has permeated this unbiased article. If not, the Americans will claim their second victory this century… those fat, stupid, greedy, classless, bastards.