Life’s Little Irritants No 8a

Oh dear. I’m grouching again. With Life’s Little Irritants I mean. And I bet it’s one you share — free newspapers, or more precisely the crap that attends their ink-grubbing of your fingers as you drag them through the letterbox, accompanied by the dog, sotto voce.

So I’ll list tonight’s litany:

1. “Are you paying too much for veterinary services for your pet?! Quite large question and exclamation marks actually.

2.Morrison’s ‘Best Buys.’ We’re supposed to eat ‘buy one get one free’ Magnums between Kingsmills soft rolls while quaffing two quid off Stella Artois, digging into Walkers crisps on the side.

3. Sainsbury’s (give ’em the benefit of the apostrophe) want us to eat melon, broccoli and oranges. Sadly the front page is more about our addiction to alcohol, ice-cream and toilet paper.

4. Argos wants me to buy an inflatable pool or an “Under £200 washing machine.* By one pence.

6. Next up is Hillary’s Blinds. Five times. His/her advice, “If you need blinds, buy them now.”

6. Moving in is easy though, at least according to Bryant Homes. We can get £500 off. Thank you Taylor Woodrow.

7. Save 25%! That’s Miller Brothers. What can I say other than ‘free headphones’ if you want to chuck away 500 on a theatre system.

8. You’ll like this one. “Broadband, Digital TV and Phone package” only £30 a month, Oh, and a thumbs-up sign and a ‘free=installation’ tab in the corner. I don’t think so.

9. Furtniture! How have we lived without it? Harveys (no apostrophe, I don’t care, the will to live has gone.)

10. Cymru — the big country. No it’s not. It’s small-minded and provincial. I’d rather eat soda-bread and seaweed and call it ethnic.

11. Serious Sport this Summer — Not sure what this one is about. Something to do with betting and Haydock Races. A scruffy leaflet that tells me not a lot.

12. The douze and I’m glad I’ve got there as it’s the last one. All I have to do is order a pizza and I can win a Holiday for Two, a portable DVD player or an MP3 player. Just spend £10.

Yeah, right.

What a complete waste of money.

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