Born to be Mild

There was an article in the paper yesterday supposedly listing the thirty telltale signs that you’re really getting old.

The results came from a poll of 2,000 people carried out by an insurance company which called it a “study” and used words like “key indicators” to assure us that it is all scientific and above board, even if its findings are blindingly obvious.

It is also interesting to note that Engage Mutual Assurance, the company in question, makes no mention of it on their website. Indeed, one of their most recent items in their newsroom says that:  ‘Over 70 per cent of ‘fit over fifties’ claim they now do more exercise and pay more attention to their diet.’

Presumably that particular “study” wasn’t depressing enough to get them the free publicity they were looking for, but setting my cynicism aside, here is my response to the thirty signs that I might be getting old:

  1. Falling asleep in front of the tv. No I don’t, mostly because the rest of the family hog the set and it’s all rubbish these days anyway.
  2. Feeling stiff. That’s rather a personal question.
  3. Groaning when you bend down. I gave up bending down some years ago.
  4. Losing your hair. I always know where to find it — on top of my head.
  5. Hating noisy pubs. I might like them, but I don’t go to pubs any more because they only sell alcopops and that new fangled lager beer.
  6. Thinking teachers/policemen/doctors look really young. I don’t think they look young, I know they do.
  7. Getting more hairy — ears, face, eyebrows, nose etc. Possibly. It’s the etcetera that I’m worried about.
  8. Struggling to use technology. I find avoiding technology is no struggle at all.
  9. Forgetting names. Only my own when I’m asked to sign instead of using my chip and pin.
  10. Not knowing any songs in the Top Ten. Do they still have a Top Ten? Seriously?
  11. Choosing clothes and shoes for comfort rather than style. Polyester can be stylish as well as comfortable you know.
  12. Driving slowly. With unleaded at £1.35 a litre, you bet I do!
  13. Developing a fondness for sherry. Only at Christmas or in triffle.
  14. Complaining more. They’ve been reading my blog.
  15. Joining the Women’s Institute. I tried, but they wouldn’t have me, even when I offered to take the photos for that calendar of theirs.
  16. Misplacing glasses/bag/car keys. The reason they were in the tea caddy was for safe-keeping, all right?.
  17. Thinking work colleagues are getting younger. Only the ones younger than me. Which would be everyone.
  18. Listening to the Archers. I’ve always listened to the Archers. I was obviously ahead of my time.
  19. Moving from Radio 1 to Radio 2. I went straight from Radio 1 to Radio 4 with no intervening period of easy listening.
  20. Taking a mid-afternoon nap. I find it so hard to get off after my mid-morning snooze.
  21. Joining the National Trust. Yes I am a member, but I rebel by misplacing my card and never visiting any of their properties.
  22. Becoming a parish councillor. My manifesto pledges of shutting the youth club disco and bringing back the birch for chewing gum in public didn’t get me elected.
  23. Complaining about the rubbish on television these days. See answer one.
  24. Ears growing bigger. Can’t say I’ve ever measured them.
  25. Preferring a Sunday walk to a lie-in. I do get up early, but only so I can get on with my mid-morning snooze.
  26. Being shocked by racy music videos. Note to self: must watch Juke Box Jury more often.
  27. Going on a ‘no children’ cruise. I didn’t know there was any other sort.
  28. Taking a keen interest in the garden. Depends on whether they’re filming racy music videos in the garden nextdoor.
  29. Enjoy being asked for proof of age. A man can dream.
  30. Knowing your alcohol limit. You mean knowing which pubs are within hobbling distance before my knees go?

Nobody’s prefect. If you find any spelling mistakes or other errors in this post, please let me know by highlighting the text and pressing Ctrl+Enter.

2 comments… Add yours
  • rog 24th July 2011

    I learned my alcohol limit decades ago. Let’s hear it for trial and especially error.

  • Jennyta 24th July 2011

    Excellent! I make a conscious effort not to groan when I stand up. 🙂


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