Old Parrot’s Almanack 2012

As is customary at this time of year, here are some of Old Parrot’s eerily accurate predictions for what the next twelve months have in store for us:

The Economy: The severity of the austerity programme hits home as people realise that not only can they not afford to live, but it can’t afford to die either.

Chancellor George Osbourne introduces an Ashes and Dust Tax, payable before the would-be deceased is permitted to shuffle off his or her mortal coil.

This policy proves unworkable as people simply refuse to die and the subsequent increase in the over-65s puts an intolerable pressure on the pension funds.

The TUC calls an indefinite mortality strike, making the situation worse, and the government ultimately caves in and repeals the tax..

Osbourne seeks to restore confidence through his ‘traditional values’ policy when he abandons the pound and reintroduces the groat, a currency based on the international cabbage soup standard.

Politics: In a rare PR gaffe, David Cameron makes his address to the nation, repeating his assertion that ‘we’re all in this together’ . This only serves to spread further discord as he and his fellow MPs are the only people in the country who can still afford a foreign holiday.

Royalty: The high street receives a boost to its failing profits in June with an upsurge in the sale of jubilee tea towels, commemorative mugs and bunting. Letters to the Telegraph and Daily Mail deplore the fact that they are manufactured in China.

In view of the British Spring, the royal tour of the country is confined to Chelsea and Westminster.

Sport: Plans for the opening ceremony of the London Olympic Games are scaled back because of the state of the economy. The ‘spectacular’ now features the kids from Ethel Dooley’s School of Dance and a display by the Metropolitan Police Riot Squad to music provided by the Glossop Boys’ Brigade band.

Graham Norton symbolically uses the Bank of England’s last £10 note to light the Olympic flame which is extinguished a day later when Russia turns off the gas supply after Osbourne ignores their final red demand.

Football: A team beginning with the letter B will be relegated from the English Premier League, although it might be W — the tea leaves are unclear on this point.

The Media: Rupert Murdoch launches his new Sunday newspaper, The Views of the World., which consists entirely of stories based on hacked phone messages. ‘Can you pick up some bread and milk on your way home love’ screams the front page headline of the first edition.

The Environment: A new source of renewable power is identified by harnessing the energy of Lee Evans’ stage act. The government also introduces the treadmill to Job Centres to get millions of unemployed young feet to generate electricity.

For more predictions, order your copy of Old Parrot’s Almanack today.

Nobody’s prefect. If you find any spelling mistakes or other errors in this post, please let me know by highlighting the text and pressing Ctrl+Enter.

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