Get Real, Get Drunk

There is quite a lot of television that blips my grumpiness radar, but the very worst has to be show business awards programmes. I really don’t see the point.

For the most part, they consist of people wearing dinner jackets or long frocks strutting on red carpets and smiling condescendingly for cameras. Next they’re grinning through gritted teeth because they came second or blubbing on stage because they’ve won.

What is being offered to us as entertainment is a bunch of people being themselves, rather than being other people which is what actors actually get paid for.

From this, you will gather that I won’t be following the Oscars tonight. The brief film clips we’re shown just isn’t a big enough pay-off for all the luvvieness we have to endure.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m not paying attention and any actor worth his or her salt would do well to study the types of role most likely to win them a gold-plated, Britannium statuette.

An analysis of previous best actor/actress roles points the way.

For a start, they should choose a film role that depicts a real person, preferably royalty or a politician with a disability. One who is also an alcoholic would be ideal and Winston Churchill springs to mind.

Being a widower or a single parent also helps enormously and male actors should seek out a military role, while actresses should definitely consider playing a prostitute or a mistress.

A role as a religious figure might not rule you out of the running, but the odds will be stacked against you.

To read more, go to How to Win an Oscar on the BBC website.

Nobody’s prefect. If you find any spelling mistakes or other errors in this post, please let me know by highlighting the text and pressing Ctrl+Enter.

3 comments… Add yours
  • Owl Wood 26th February 2012

    Oh, how Hollywood loves itself. How could one possibly not be enthralled by vacuous celebrity parading in a limelight produced and run by other vacuous wannabees?

    I love celebrity. It takes more calories to eat celebrity than you gain from it you know. Oh, hang on, am I thinking of celery?

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz to the Oscoids. And to the Brits. And to the Luvvies. And to the MOBOs and the MOWOs (work that one out for yourself) and every other nonsense.

  • Roger Green 26th February 2012

    I enjoy the artifice of the Oscars; it is such kitsch.

    Now, for real ENTERTAINMENT value, I prefer the Tonys, the Broadway awards. Doesn’t matter if I’ve heard of the show, the PERFORMANCES are usually strong.

  • Monsieur Pudding 26th February 2012

    ….And the winner is (rips open envelope) Shooting Parrots for “Old Misery Guts”.
    (Wild applause)
    Shooting Parrots staggers to the stage dropping a half full jeroboam of champagne on the way. He grabs the microphone and holds his oscar skywards. “This is for everyone at the Chadkirk Dog Training Club! Peace and love!”


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