if it’s news to me, it must be news to you!
Best news of the week: Crystal Maze is to return to the tv screen after an absence of more than twenty years, alas without Richard O’Brien.
Mean what you say: It’s no good praising your dog unless you’re sincere because they can distinguish between positive and neutral words and when you mean it and when you don’t. I’d like to know how they trained the dogs to lie still in an MRI scanner.
Will to succeed: An opinion survey demonstrates that 54% want William to be the next monarch instead of Charles, presumably because they haven’t grasped that democracy doesn’t really enter into the royal succession. The X-Factor it isn’t.
Wool to succeed: Mind you, when you read that Prince Charles has buried jumpers in his garden, public opinion might have a point.
Give peace a chance: A farmer who found a swastika carved out of his crops has been reassured that it’s actually a ‘swastica’, a Hindu peace sign.
Sox appeal: Why is it, when you empty the washing machine, you spend so much time trying to pair up socks? The reason is you’re not applying the right scientific algorithm.
Storm in a teacup: Proof that the wired world really is mad, this story of a man who calls the police when he is served the wrong teabag.
Definitely the last mention of Rio: What was the secret of Team GB’s women cyclists? No bikini waxing!
Okay, so I lied: Among the many things that Olympics athletes were not permitted to do in the bathroom, no fishing in the toilet has to be the strangest, as posted by US basketball player Elena Della Donne.
I just can’t help myself: Why is Team GB called Team GB when it should be GB and Northern Ireland?
Many happy returns: This week marked the 30th birthday of the obituaries column in the Telegraph which you’d assume had been around for much longer than that.
And the wonderful Gene Wilder which prompted the Times cartoon right.