if it’s news to me, it must be news to you!
In the dog house: The British company Hecate Verona is marketing a range of luxury ‘dog manors’ for the pampered pooches of the wealthy, including a grand colonial villa, a Roman imperial mansion and a Spanish Palacio, with prices ranging from £30,000 to £160,000.
Spying between the lines: Be careful if you are an aspiring leaker of secrets – you may be betrayed by your printer.
Electoral fallout: It was a good election for Lord Buckethead who is now the dominant force in silly politics after scoring twice as many votes as the Official Monster Raving Loony Party when he went up against Theresa May in her Maidenhead constituency. (See his local hustings) He has now agreed to lead the Brexit negotiations as exclusively revealed on the John Oliver Show.
It was also a good week for Minnie the Minx who won the Bash Street School president election with a giveaway manifesto that included games consoles, a duck for every child, a school trip to Disneyland and the return of dinosaurs while her main rival Smiffy only promised to ‘do stuff’.
Meanwhile, a politics professor had to literally eat his own words after promising to chomp his way through his book on Brexit if Labour won more than 38% of the vote.
Everyone’s a critic: Someone else who is sticking to a high-cellulose diet is comedian Jamie Loftus who has spent over a year munching her way through the male-chauvinist novel Infinite Jest.
Misunderstanding of the week: Actor Peter Sallis, who died last week, was impressed when the Queen told him that she loved the absurdist play Waiting for Godot. A courtier explained that she almost certainly meant the tv sitcom Waiting for God.
And in late breaking news: A letter from Disney to a prospective artist from 1938 (left) demonstrates that women’s liberation had a long way to go, as posted on Twitter.
Jaws: A teacher became Britain’s first shark attack victim while surfing in Cornwall. The encounter with the three-foot long ‘predator’ left him with a bloody thumb and endless ribbing from his pupils.
Brief lives: Actor, model and girlfriends of Brian Jones and Mick Jagger, Anita Pallenberg; boxer Errol Christie; drag king Diane Torr; Teeside Troubadour Vin Garbutt; daughter of Louis Mountbatten, the Countess Mountbatten of Burma and the architect of a unified Germany Helmut Kohl.