If it’s news to me, it must be news to you!
Avast behind: Penzance fell short in its bid to win back the world record to gather the most pirates in one place when 77 of the crew were still carousing in a pub when the count was taken. They can take heart that it will soon be Talk Like A Pirate Day.
Terror alert: A secret test of security at the Palace of Westminster showed that 100 MPs could be massacred in less than five minutes.
The right angle: Researchers at the University of New South Wales claim that the ancient Babylonians developed trigonometry superior to the modern version.
I don’t believe it: The fallout from the US eclipse continues with people turning up at A&E having put sunscreen on their eyeballs as a substitute for those special glasses.
Quote of the week: One that surely applies to the Brexiteers who keep banging on about the simplicity of the question in last year’s referendum.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is clear, simple and wrong.
Saucy democracy: Despite the large number of young people who turned out to vote at the last general election, their knowledge of parliament is pretty sketchy. Two-thirds of 18- to 25-year-olds think that ‘filibustering’ is a slang term for a sex act.
Sound of silence: After the hoo-ha over the silencing of Big Ben, Legoland is imitating real life by silencing their own version while they carry out repairs, albeit for a considerably shorter time span.
It simply isn’t cricket: Carew Cricket Club declared on 18 for 1 after just two and a half over in their title deciding match against Cresselly thus preventing their rivals getting the bonus points that would have handed them the title.
Dust to dust: Should you wish to achieve a kind of immortality you can have your ashes incorporated into a vinyl recording of whatever message you wish to leave for posterity.
Brief lives: Director of Texas Chain Saw Massacre Tobe Hooper; world-class puzzlist Laurie Brokenshire; black satirist Dick Gregory; rockabilly star Sonny Burgess; Irish rugby legend Willie Duggan; TMS commentator Ralph Dellor ; Million Dollar Man’s sidekick Richard Anderson and; Cardinal Cormac Murphy.